When Your Eyes Close Read online

  When Your Eyes Close

  TANYA FARRELLY

  A division of HarperCollinsPublishers

  www.harpercollins.co.uk

  Copyright

  KillerReads

  an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  www.harpercollins.co.uk

  First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers 2018

  Copyright © Tanya Farrelly 2018

  Cover design by Holly Macdonald © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2018

  Cover photographs © Shutterstock.com

  Tanya Farrelly asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

  A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

  This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

  Ebook Edition © September 2018 ISBN: 9780008280024

  Version: 2018-08-08

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Chapter One: Nick

  Chapter Two: Caitlin

  Chapter Three: Michelle

  Chapter Four: Nick

  Chapter Five: Caitlin

  Chapter Six: Michelle

  Chapter Seven: Nick

  Chapter Eight: Caitlin

  Chapter Nine: Michelle

  Chapter Ten: Nick

  Chapter Eleven: Caitlin

  Chapter Twelve: Michelle

  Chapter Thirteen: Nick

  Chapter Fourteen: Caitlin

  Chapter Fifteen: Michelle

  Chapter Sixteen: Nick

  Chapter Seventeen: Caitlin

  Chapter Eighteen: Michelle

  Chapter Nineteen: Nick

  Chapter Twenty: Caitlin

  Chapter Twenty-One: Michelle

  Chapter Twenty-Two: Nick

  Chapter Twenty-Three: Caitlin

  Chapter Twenty-Four: Michelle

  Chapter Twenty-Five: Nick

  Chapter Twenty-Six: Caitlin

  Chapter Twenty-Seven: Michelle

  Chapter Twenty-Eight: Nick

  Chapter Twenty-Nine: Caitlin

  Chapter Thirty: Michelle

  Chapter Thirty-One: Nick

  Chapter Thirty-Two: Caitlin

  Chapter Thirty-Three: Michelle

  Chapter Thirty-Four: Nick

  Chapter Thirty-Five: Caitlin

  Chapter Thirty-Six: Michelle

  Chapter Thirty-Seven: Nick

  Chapter Thirty-Eight: Caitlin

  Chapter Thirty-Nine: Michelle

  Chapter Forty: Nick

  Chapter Forty-One: Caitlin

  Chapter Forty-Two: Michelle

  Chapter Forty-Three: Nick

  Chapter Forty-Four: Caitlin

  Chapter Forty-Five: Michelle

  Chapter Forty-Six: Nick

  Chapter Forty-Seven: Caitlin

  Chapter Forty-Eight: Michelle

  Chapter Forty-Nine: Nick

  Chapter Fifty: Caitlin

  Chapter Fifty-One: Michelle

  Chapter Fifty-Two: Nick

  Epilogue: Two Years Later …

  Acknowledgements

  Keep Reading …

  Also by Tanya Farrelly

  About the Author

  About the Publisher

  Dedication

  For Dave, an extraordinary writer and husband, without whose laughter I’d be lost.

  CHAPTER ONE

  Nick

  Nick Drake pulled up outside the house named The Arches and cut the engine. He was twenty minutes early and there was another car, a dark grey saloon, parked in front of his. He looked at the long white bungalow illuminated by the half dozen lamps that lined the winding drive, and wondered if it were, after all, a good idea to have come.

  Shivering, Nick reached into the pocket of his leather jacket and his fingers closed round the pack of cigarettes that he kept there for emergencies. He noted that there were only two left. With trembling fingers, he placed one between his lips and held the lighter to the tip until it burned crimson. He lowered the window and inhaled deeply until the smoke filled his craving lungs, and he felt the rain blow in on the damp night air.

  On the passenger seat his mobile phone began to ring. He looked at the screen and saw Michelle’s name flash up again. Rain drummed on the windscreen and the phone rang out, and then blipped to inform him that she’d left yet another voice message. It was her fifth call in three days. He knew that he should call her back, but he didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Talking meant making things real. And he wasn’t ready for that.

  A few minutes passed before the bungalow door opened and a security light clicked on. A figure stepped into the rain, pausing to pull up the hood of an anorak before hurriedly descending the driveway. With head down, the woman made a dash for the grey saloon car. The heels of her boots clicked on the tarmac, and the indicator lights flashed amber as she hurriedly unlocked the car and slipped inside.

  Illuminated briefly by the interior light, Nick saw the woman pull the hood of her anorak down and run a hand through unruly dark hair. The engine started, and the grey saloon turned and reversed into the driveway, the headlights momentarily blinding Nick as the car turned and disappeared down the lane by which he’d come.

  For a few minutes he sat and stared out the windscreen. He drew on his cigarette until there was nothing more between his fingers and the tip, and then he stubbed it in the ashtray, closed the window and stepped out into the rain.

  The girl who opened the door was no more than seven years old. She looked at him with big brown eyes. Then a man’s voice came from a room within. ‘Kirsty, I told you not to answer the door.’ The owner of the voice appeared from what Nick imagined was the kitchen. ‘Go on in like a good girl.’ The man put an arm round the little girl’s shoulder to draw her inside. ‘Sorry about that,’ he said.

  Nick shrugged. ‘The name’s Nick Drake. I’ve an appointment for nine o’clock.’

  ‘Sure, come on in.’ The man stepped back and ushered Nick inside. The child stood behind the man and stared at Nick. He smiled at her, but she didn’t smile back.

  ‘Take a seat in here. Tessa will be with you soon.’

  Nick was shown into a room not dissimilar to the waiting room in the doctor’s surgery. A television played in the corner, the volume muted. He sat in a hard chair by the door and waited. The sound of children’s voices came from somewhere within the house.

  ‘Boys, quit messing around down there. Get to bed.’

  There was laughter, followed by the sound of running feet and then silence. Nick stared at the television.

  ‘Nick?’

  He turned to see a blonde woman in her fifties standing in the doorway.

  ‘I’m Tessa. Do you want to come this way?’

  Nick stood and felt the pain in his abdomen as he did so. Tessa put out a hand to shake his, and he followed her across the hallway and into a small, darkened room.

  ‘Please, take a seat,�
�� Tessa told him. Nick sat, and she sat opposite him and picked up a pen. She reached towards a small device on her desk and pressed a button. ‘I generally record the sessions, Nick, and send you the file. It can help to do self-hypnosis between sessions. You don’t have any objections?’

  ‘No, no, that’s okay.’ Nick waited, putting his hands between his knees to hide the tremor that had crept into them. He longed desperately for the last cigarette in the pack inside his jacket, knew that that would be the final one. Another bad habit curbed. Outside, the rain continued to thunder down, beating against the window.

  ‘How long have you had a problem with alcohol, Nick?’

  ‘I don’t know. I didn’t see it as a problem.’

  ‘But now you do?’

  He nodded. ‘The doctors say if I don’t stop drinking I could be dead in a year, eighteen months at the most. And I can’t get on the transplant list unless I’m six months clean.’

  Tessa scribbled something on her notepad. ‘Have you ever tried to give up before?’

  ‘Yeah, but it didn’t take.’ Nick thought of the AA meetings his ex-wife, Susan, had made him go to – the room of men, most of whom were there only because their wives had insisted. He’d lasted about three months, and then he’d finished up in a bar across from the meeting hall with two of the other recruits drinking whiskey until closing. And he’d thought it was all such a laugh – until Susan had left.

  ‘Any ideas why you drink, Nick?’ Tessa’s eyes flitted from the page to rest on him, and he fidgeted in his seat.

  ‘Does there have to be a reason?’ He knew that he sounded defensive, but he hadn’t come here for counselling. He simply wanted help to detox.

  ‘There usually is. There are various reasons, of course; it can come from pressure at work, or at home … It starts as a means to relax, or to escape … then over time it becomes the problem itself …’

  He didn’t answer right away; he tried to think back to when his drinking had got heavier. He’d always had a taste for it – had started when he was about sixteen. And as for escape, he’d felt like that for a long time too. He just wasn’t sure what it was he was trying to escape from. When things had got bad with Susan … then he had a reason. He guessed that that was when he’d really hit it hard.

  ‘I’m divorced. We fought a lot; I suppose it started then … or at least made it worse.’

  Tessa nodded. She didn’t say anything, didn’t judge him, and he imagined he wasn’t the first messed-up alcoholic divorcee she’d dealt with.

  ‘Have you ever been hypnotized before?’

  Her voice brought him back from his thoughts, back to the dim room and the sound of the rain outside.

  ‘No, never.’

  ‘Okay.’ She put down her pen and smiled. ‘If you’re ready, let’s get started.’

  They both stood, and Nick moved towards the chair she gestured to.

  ‘Hypnosis is nothing more than a deepened state of relaxation, Nick. I’m going to ask you to simply lie back, close your eyes and relax. You’ll be aware of everything that’s going on around you.’

  Nick lay back in the reclining leather chair and closed his eyes. Tessa placed a thin blanket over him. He didn’t feel relaxed. His body was tense, and he was aware as he lay still of the rapid beating of his heart and the discomfort in the right side of his abdomen. The hypnotist was standing near him. A strong woody fragrance that reminded him of his ex-wife permeated his senses as her soft rhythmic voice cut in on his thoughts.

  ‘Now I want you to completely relax your body. The more relaxed you become, the more susceptible your mind will be to suggestion. We’re going to start with your feet and work our way up to your head.’

  Nick shifted in the chair. He opened his eyes slightly and saw Tessa standing over him, her silhouette dark against the dimmed light behind her. Step by step, she instructed him to relax each part of his body until his limbs felt heavy, the tension gradually subsiding as he sank deeper into the leather seat.

  ‘For a long time, you’ve been hurting, Nick. And you’ve been relying more and more on alcohol to deaden these feelings of pain; but it’s only by experiencing the negative things in life that you can also appreciate the highs. That’s why you’ve come here today, to reconnect with your emotions, to discover that in order to live again you have to feel.’

  The woman’s voice was slow and methodical – practised so as not to jolt him out of his physical state of relaxation – but even as he listened to her words, he could feel himself fighting them. Did he really want to get in touch with his feelings about Susan, and the end of their marriage? Since meeting Michelle, he’d put all that behind him. He’d been feeling more positive than he had in years.

  ‘Focus now on an area of your life that gives you happiness. Something that makes you feel confident, that makes you feel proud. Notice how you feel inside, Nick: assured, happy and fulfilled and let these feelings grow.’

  Michelle. They’re on their second date and he’s telling her about the time he got the call to design a house for a well-known rock star in south Dublin. His reputation as an architect is at its peak. A year ago, he landed the big contract to design the house which now stands on a clifftop proudly overlooking Killiney Bay. He’s taken Michelle up there to see it, has parked the car on the Vico Road and led her down the steps to the beach, where it’s possible to look back up at the house.

  ‘Did you meet him?’ she asks. ‘What’s he like?’

  ‘Sure, he doesn’t say much. You know the type.’ He reaches out then, cups her face with his hand and leans in to kiss her. The wind blows her blonde hair in her face, and she clings to him and tells him she’s freezing. It’s a cold night in February. He feels the spray from the sea blow in on the wind, and he kisses her again and tells her she’s beautiful.

  ‘What?’ she shouts, and laughs as his words are drowned by the roar of a train passing on the tracks above bound for Bray.

  ‘As you’re experiencing these good feelings, Nick, I want you to take a deep breath and squeeze your hand into a fist. Your subconscious mind will memorize these feelings of happiness and whenever you want to feel like this again, you’ll simply take a breath and make a fist again.’

  They’re climbing the steps back up to the Vico Road to where the car is waiting. He tightens his arm around Michelle’s shoulders as she stumbles and steadies herself by putting both arms round him. Her laugh rings out in the cold night and he wants to protect her – to keep her safe in his arms. He squeezes his hand into a fist as the woman’s voice, coming from some place far away, tells him to do. He’s filled with an emotion – something akin to love – although he barely knows this girl. With her he feels elated.

  ‘Okay. Now, I want you to imagine yourself in a situation where you would normally reach for a drink. Take in your surroundings, Nick. Where are you? Who are you with? Try to visualize the scene in as much detail as possible.’

  Friday night: the after-work crowd. They’re in a pub in Capel Street and the rounds keep appearing before the previous ones have even been drunk. He checks his phone and sees he’s got a message from Susan.

  Where r u?

  He texts back, tells her he’ll be home soon – but he doesn’t feel like going home. All they do lately is fight. It’s easier to stay here with the work crowd, but he knows if he stays too long it’ll be worse – that as soon as he walks in the door, the accusations will begin and that’ll be it – the whole weekend ruined.

  ‘You’re reaching for that drink, Nick. But when you pick it up, you realize that you don’t want it. You don’t want another drink. I want you to take that drink and pour it down the sink. As you do so, I want you to squeeze your hand into a fist and remember those good feelings, those feelings of fulfilment, those feelings of pride. You’re taking control of your life, Nick, free from the burden of addiction, from the need to blot out those painful memories with alcohol.’

  Elation. He feels adrenalin course through his body. And he’s trans
ported again. This time he’s in a house, a strange house – not the house he lives in now, or the one he’d shared with Susan. There’s a green suite and green and orange curtains. Everything is brightly coloured, gaudy. He’s different too. His hair falls to his shoulders, and he’s wearing a T-shirt with Black Sabbath across the front – but he’s about the same age as he is now. He goes into the hall. He’s got some good news and he can’t wait to tell her. He shouts up the stairs: ‘Rachel, are you home?’ Nobody answers, but he thinks he hears a noise from above. ‘Rach? Are you here?’ No answer still, but there’s a definite bump from one of the rooms upstairs. A feeling of panic rises in his chest. He looks round the room for a weapon, something to protect himself with. In the kitchen he takes a sharp knife from the drawer, and slowly climbs the stairs.

  The door to his and Rachel’s bedroom is closed. It’s never closed, but maybe Rachel is in there after all. Maybe she’s sleeping. He glances into the other rooms – empty. He reaches for the handle, grabs it suddenly and pushes the door inwards. Rachel screams and pulls the bed covers up, hiding her naked body from him as though he’s a stranger. The man, buttoning up his shirt, jumps from the edge of the bed where he’s been sitting, puts his arms out instinctively for protection. Nick sees himself wield the knife. He hears Rachel scream in protest, but it’s too late. There’s blood on the man’s white shirt, on his hands and on the carpet. It’s pooling around his fallen body.